I love the church I attend. I really do. I’m even involved there. I help out with the Angelfood Ministries distribution, I am now helping to run the overhead projector on Sundays, and I even took over setting up, printing off, and folding/stuffing the Sunday bulletins that are handed out as you enter the Sanctuary.

But I still feel like I’m suffocating. I walk my dog at night and stare up at the moon, wishing I could do more than just pray to the God & Goddess. Oh yes, I read my Bible (I bought 2 of them a Daily Bible & a King James Version back when my taxes had come in), but I don’t read it faithfully every day like my best friend’s mom. (Unfortunately, I think I might be keeping my best friend from reading hers, which is not my intent as it does not offend me at all if she does.)

But I sit in church or Bible Study and find myself thinking “yeah right.” Whoops. It’s not that I mean to be disrespectful at all. Do I believe in Jesus Christ? Yes. But so does the Christian’s Devil. Just because you believe in him, doesn’t mean you follow him.

For reference – one of my biggest problems with Christianity is the utter lack of duality and balance. It makes no sense for a God (male gender only) to create both male & female creatures on earth. If we are made in God’s image, then there *must* be a Goddess there for Him to create the female of our kind as well as all others by. It makes no sense for God to create two genders of everything if there are not two genders of deity. But the Christians refuse to accept this. It drives me bananas. :/

Another problem I have is that people do not understand the true meaning of evolution. Guess what? We didn’t evolve from monkeys even if we do have some similar DNA. Evolution is ADAPTATION. People evolved because they adapted. We DID evolve. It’s been PROVEN. But yet people (Christians especially but others as well) will tell you that we were created exactly as we are now. No we weren’t. Believe me on this one. We were created to evolve. We were created to ADAPT. But people hear “evolve” or “evolution” and automatically believe that it’s someone saying we came from monkeys. *rolls eyes*

Ok, I suppose it is time for me to stop ranting about this. It’s just driving me bananas because I feel the pull of the Goddess, yet I like the Christian church that I attend. I’m being as patient as possible – but I sincerely hope the journey ends soon. :/

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Sometimes I feel like I am seriously going absolutely bat-shit crazy. (Pardon my language but that just seems to be the most appropriate term here.) It just seems like my mind is in a constant whirling state of being.

I like the church that I’ve been attending. I do. I’m even getting involved there – I’m going to be setting up and printing out their weekly bulletin starting in June, I’m also going to be helping run their overhead projector system starting in June, and I help out with the AngelFood Ministries distribution once a month. I go to church on most Sundays, I go to Bible study on Wednesday night.

And yet I feel like I’m just doing these things because someone wants me to. Because my best friend wants me to be a Christian again. Because her mom wants me to be a Christian. Because my friend S and her husband O want me to be. Because my friend A wants me to be. Not because I want to be. Not because I truly believe what they are telling me, because I don’t. I don’t believe that I have to pray to my chosen deity for forgiveness every time I screw up. I don’t believe that I have to confess all the things I’ve done wrong and say how sorry I am to be “saved.” I just don’t believe it.

I believe in the Fae. I believe in Magick. I believe that deity is dual and that there are male and female deities. There are male and female of everything on our precious planet, but not deity?? That doesn’t work for me. I cannot believe in that. It doesn’t make sense.

I know that no matter what I choose my friends will still love me for who I am. Because they know that being a Wiccan does not make me a bad person. They know that just because they don’t agree with my choice of faith does not mean I will not support them, even if they don’t believe I can enter “heaven” unless I am saved by Jesus Christ.

I am still seeking. I don’t want to dismiss Christianity out of hand – because I do enjoy going to church with my friends, I enjoy the company of the people there, but I just… don’t want to feel like I am choosing a path based on what others want for me as opposed to what is right for me. It just wouldn’t be right.

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It seems that I am once again seeking the right spiritual path for me. I suppose a big part of it is the fact that no matter how much I have meditated, no matter how much I have tried to get in the correct frame of mind during rituals, I never experience that closeness to the Goddess that I see other Wiccans and Pagans talking about on their blogs.

I have identified myself as Wiccan for the past 6 years – I started in December of 2003 – but have yet to have any sort of patron deities. I have no deities that I specifically ascribe to, which of course, is not really a problem, I simply called them Goddess & God. But the closeness that I craved is simply not there. No amount of meditation, ritual, etc has brought me any closer.

Another problem I find is that although at first it felt like I was “home” in my Wiccan faith – now it seems more like I am a guest in someone else’s house – a guest that may well have overstayed my welcome.

So I am once again seeking to find the right path for me. I am trying different things – an experiment if you will. Right now I am going back to the Christian church my best friend attends. I am attending Bible study on Wednesday, reading the Bible, and going to Sunday services as well. If after a couple of months it still does not feel right, I will move on. I will endeavor to start anew with Wicca and Paganism – see if one of them fits me. If not, I will look to things such as Buddhism for spiritual fulfillment.

I know the right path is out there, and I know that it is possible that my needs have changed – that Goddess is telling me that this is not the path I need to tread right now. Either way, it is a great possibility that this blog may cease to exist if my path leads me elsewhere.

Please know that no matter what path I find at the end of my experiment to be the one I choose, I will always love and cherish my Wiccan and Pagan friends, and that no matter what, my mind is always open to the fact that my path is not the right path for others.

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Yes, I know, Imbolc (for those of us in the Northern Hemisphere) is not actually until February 2nd, but I decided I would start up a series of posts regarding the next Sabbat on the Northern Hemisphere’s Wheel.

Imbolc is celebrated in the Northern Hemisphere on February 2 and in the Southern Hemisphere on August 2.

Imbolc is also known as Candlemas, Imbolg, Oimelc, Brighid’s Day, Lupercus, The Feast of Lights, and Groundhog’s Day.

Symbols of Imbolc include: Candle wheels, grain dollies, Sun wheels, besom, evergreen sprigs, bowls of snow, and small statues of the Goddess that represent her Maiden form.

Gemstones associated with Imbolc: Amethyst, aquamarine, turquoise, garnet, and onyx.

Colors associated with Imbolc: White, yellow, pink, light blue, light green, red, and brown.

I plan on posting more posts that will include some more information – lore, recipes, etc that go along with Imbolc. Please stay tuned for these posts.

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When I was discussing the various religions with some coworkers of mine (when I was employed), I mentioned that I am Wiccan. The immediate response from one of the Christian members of the conversation was “oh, so you do not believe in God.” Well, that’s not exactly true. It made me think about what it really means to believe in God.

Christians believe in God the Father, Christ the Son, and the Holy Spirit. To them, anyone who doesn’t believe in their version of God doesn’t believe in God period. But that isn’t true. Others believe in God, just not the Christian version of God.

A Wiccan or Pagan believes in the Goddess or God or both. They believe in other forms of Deity, which are usually polytheistic. They do not see just one face or form of Deity, they see mulitple forms or faces. This does not make them non-believers in God.

An aetheist however, does not believe in any sort of higher power or deity. They do not believe that any sort of deity exists and they believe that any and all things can be explained with science and logic. But there is another – an agnostic. They acknowledge the possibility of the existence of a higher power or deity, even if they themselves do not believe in or worship them.

It frustrates me to no end to go to YouTube and see videos made by fundamentalist Christians who have nothing better to do than bash other people’s faiths. They claim true believers never leave their faiths. Well, that is correct. A TRUE BELIEVER in a particular Deity will not leave the faith that allows them to believe in and worship that Deity. So it DOES stand to reason that a TRUE BELIEVER in Christ would not leave the Christian church. However, just because someone does, that does not mean the “Devil” is working on that person. It means that they exercised their free will and left a place that was not good for them.

But to me, the word Believer should not be reserved solely for the Christians. I believe there is a higher power. I believe that higher power is made up of the Goddess & the God. I BELIEVE so I am a BELIEVER. Do I believe that Christ existed? Yes, I do believe that a man named Jesus Christ existed. Do I believe that he did all they say he did? No. I also do not believe the Bible to be an infallible book of Scripture for the very reason that HUMANS translated it to the different languages and HUMANS are not infallible! I do not believe that a book contains all the rules, regulations, and laws for how we are to live our lives – especially when that book is entirely subject to the reader’s interpretation.

How do you feel on the subject of Believers, Aetheists, or Agnostics? Which are you? A believer? (In ANY Deity) An Aetheist? Or an Agnostic?

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Apparently, the Irish have a law that prohibits blasphemy. It makes blasphemy punishable by a fine of up to 25,000 euros or $35,000 USD. Yes, you read that right. Apparently a group of Irish Atheists has challenged the law by posting what they believe to be anti-religious quotes, which would be illegal under the blasphemy law, on their website.

I say good for them. Blasphemy is in the eye of the beholder or the church. In many churches, referring to God as Goddess or implying that there is a female side to deity in the first place is blasphemy. That would mean that if the church were to tell the government that a coven’s website is in violation of the blasphemy laws, the government would have to charge and fine them.

The group of Atheists is correct – medieval laws governing religious conduct do not belong in a modern government at all. This protects the Christian’s sensibilities and their Christian faith while seeking to destroy other faiths – not a very tolerant thing to do at all. And this in a place whose lore is rich with the fae and magick.

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I know it is only New Year’s Eve (well, the calendar new year, the Wiccan/Pagan new year was back on October 31/Nov 1), but I am saying it now in case that I do not get back to this blog in order to talk about it. Normally I do not make resolutions simply because I am not very good at keeping them, but I have decided to make a few resolutions this year.

1. My first resolution is to find a way to be “witchy” without offending my housemates. If this entails nothing more than quietly sitting outside just gazing at the moon and counting the blessings that Goddess has brought me, then so be it. But I will find a way to be “witchy.”

2. My second resolution is to get more familiar with my tarot decks. I will spend some time with each card – 1 per day. I believe what I am going to do is start a daily blog/twitter exercise. I will take one card from my deck, going in order. I will study the card and give my impressions. On the blog, I will probably also give the meaning for the card given in the book.

3. My third resolution ties in with the second in that I am resolving to be more active on my blog here. I need to start working towards blogging here more. I have been very lax with this blog in the last year or two and that needs to stop. There is no point in having a blog if I am not going to utilize it.

Have you made any resolutions for the coming year of 2010?? Anything you want or need? I am hopeful for more blessings through the coming year and that any and all drama and unhappiness will be far outshined by the good and happy times!

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Well, here we are. Yule. I hope you all have a blessed day today. I am planning on seeing when the sun is supposed to rise today and hopefully will be able to be outside to greet the newborn sun. It is not much, but it is something I can do that will, hopefully, not raise any alarms as to the fact that I am “practicing” my faith where I live. I can’t wait until I am able to find a job and get my own place again so that I might begin to replace my tools and books and start to live my life the way I wish to live it again.

A friend of mine and I were having a discussion about some issues she has going on and she said someone at her church told her it was the devil. I have always hated this explanation, even when I was a Christian because it felt to me like I was putting the blame on someone else for what could have been caused by my own actions. My friend said this is what her church believes – that bad things that happen are because of the devil. So I asked her how she could say that God tests people’s faith if all of the bad things are of the devil and she said because she attributes the good things to God and then said let’s not talk about faith, you don’t see me putting your faith down.

Funny – because in a way she does all the time. She’s always telling me I don’t believe in God – at which point I have to correct her and remind her that I DO believe in God just not in the face/form she does. I also keep having to tell her that I do not believe in the Devil because humans are to blame for their own actions. If I pick up a gun and shoot and kill someone, it was not the Devil, it was ME. I did it. Not the Devil. I also do not see how God/dess can test one’s faith if they are not the ones causing the accident/illness/etc that is testing your faith.

I know that all of the things I have gone through during the past year have been things that are of my own doing, and I know that some of it may have been with the nudging of the Goddess so that I might learn an important lesson. What that lesson is may not be clear now, but who is to say that in 2, 3, 5, or 10 years I will not look back and say “so that is what the Goddess was trying to show me?” It’s a possibility and frankly, I believe that will happen some day.

But to sit here and tell me that a church believes (and I’ve heard it before in other churches, not just this friend’s church) that bad things that happen are because of the Devil just grates on my nerves. I’ve said it before, I will say it again. The Devil is a scapegoat to not have to believe that God could allow anything bad to happen in the world. The Devil is a scapegoat for people to be able to blame someone else other than themselves for their bad decisions. That is all the Devil is. Just a way for people to be able to put the blame off on someone other than where it should lay.

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I have to thank Witchy Mama for finding this video, because it was when I was reading my blog feeds and found her post containing this video that I first saw it. However, it places an extremely interesting perspective on Yule, Christmas, etc.

I knew previously that there were a lot of things that are Pagan in nature that are tied into the Christian Christmas holiday – the tree, reindeer (symbol of the God), etc. But this explains a lot about why we celebrate at this time of year.

I do wish to point out that if you speak with the LDS church, their missionaries will tell you that the reason they celebrate Christ’s birth on Dec 25th was it was a way for the Christians to get the Pagan peoples to convert. Knowing that the Pagan people celebrated the Solstice, they changed their celebration to reflect when the Star in the East/Star of David/Sirius appeared in the sky. According to what I was told by several different sets of missionaries, and according to the history of the LDS church, which was founded on April 6, is that Christ was actually born on April 6. Supposedly it would have taken the three wise men/kings that long to reach Bethlehem from where they were in the first place after having seen the Star.

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At last, the 2nd of my two favorite holidays is approaching us. Samhain is one of my favorites, and Yule is the other favorite. Of course, being that I am now living in a household that contains 2 other people, both of whom are Christians and have requested that I not practice my faith in their home, I will not be doing anything for Yule. I originally planned to do a simple candle burning, but I cannot find any bayberry scented candles to use and that is the only scent I like to use for Yule. (I am not sure why, but for some reason any other scent just doesn’t put me in the right frame of mind.)

My roommates keep trying to get me to come to church with them. I have gone on occasion, but none of it ever makes me want to be a Christian again, which is, of course, their hope. If anything it just proves to me why Wicca/Witchcraft is the best path for me, and why Christianity was not the right path for me.

I am striving to get out of this current situation. I am looking for jobs and hoping that soon I will be able to obtain employment so that I might start looking for a new apartment. Granted, I will literally have nothing in that apartment, but I will at very least, have a place of my own where I can start working towards getting back to my witchy self.

How do you plan to celebrate the Yule holiday?

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