I love the church I attend. I really do. I’m even involved there. I help out with the Angelfood Ministries distribution, I am now helping to run the overhead projector on Sundays, and I even took over setting up, printing off, and folding/stuffing the Sunday bulletins that are handed out as you enter the Sanctuary.
But I still feel like I’m suffocating. I walk my dog at night and stare up at the moon, wishing I could do more than just pray to the God & Goddess. Oh yes, I read my Bible (I bought 2 of them a Daily Bible & a King James Version back when my taxes had come in), but I don’t read it faithfully every day like my best friend’s mom. (Unfortunately, I think I might be keeping my best friend from reading hers, which is not my intent as it does not offend me at all if she does.)
But I sit in church or Bible Study and find myself thinking “yeah right.” Whoops. It’s not that I mean to be disrespectful at all. Do I believe in Jesus Christ? Yes. But so does the Christian’s Devil. Just because you believe in him, doesn’t mean you follow him.
For reference – one of my biggest problems with Christianity is the utter lack of duality and balance. It makes no sense for a God (male gender only) to create both male & female creatures on earth. If we are made in God’s image, then there *must* be a Goddess there for Him to create the female of our kind as well as all others by. It makes no sense for God to create two genders of everything if there are not two genders of deity. But the Christians refuse to accept this. It drives me bananas. :/
Another problem I have is that people do not understand the true meaning of evolution. Guess what? We didn’t evolve from monkeys even if we do have some similar DNA. Evolution is ADAPTATION. People evolved because they adapted. We DID evolve. It’s been PROVEN. But yet people (Christians especially but others as well) will tell you that we were created exactly as we are now. No we weren’t. Believe me on this one. We were created to evolve. We were created to ADAPT. But people hear “evolve” or “evolution” and automatically believe that it’s someone saying we came from monkeys. *rolls eyes*
Ok, I suppose it is time for me to stop ranting about this. It’s just driving me bananas because I feel the pull of the Goddess, yet I like the Christian church that I attend. I’m being as patient as possible – but I sincerely hope the journey ends soon. :/
Continue reading Suffocating
Sometimes I feel like I am seriously going absolutely bat-shit crazy. (Pardon my language but that just seems to be the most appropriate term here.) It just seems like my mind is in a constant whirling state of being.
I like the church that I’ve been attending. I do. I’m even getting involved there – I’m going to be setting up and printing out their weekly bulletin starting in June, I’m also going to be helping run their overhead projector system starting in June, and I help out with the AngelFood Ministries distribution once a month. I go to church on most Sundays, I go to Bible study on Wednesday night.
And yet I feel like I’m just doing these things because someone wants me to. Because my best friend wants me to be a Christian again. Because her mom wants me to be a Christian. Because my friend S and her husband O want me to be. Because my friend A wants me to be. Not because I want to be. Not because I truly believe what they are telling me, because I don’t. I don’t believe that I have to pray to my chosen deity for forgiveness every time I screw up. I don’t believe that I have to confess all the things I’ve done wrong and say how sorry I am to be “saved.” I just don’t believe it.
I believe in the Fae. I believe in Magick. I believe that deity is dual and that there are male and female deities. There are male and female of everything on our precious planet, but not deity?? That doesn’t work for me. I cannot believe in that. It doesn’t make sense.
I know that no matter what I choose my friends will still love me for who I am. Because they know that being a Wiccan does not make me a bad person. They know that just because they don’t agree with my choice of faith does not mean I will not support them, even if they don’t believe I can enter “heaven” unless I am saved by Jesus Christ.
I am still seeking. I don’t want to dismiss Christianity out of hand – because I do enjoy going to church with my friends, I enjoy the company of the people there, but I just… don’t want to feel like I am choosing a path based on what others want for me as opposed to what is right for me. It just wouldn’t be right.
Continue reading Crazy….
It seems that I am once again seeking the right spiritual path for me. I suppose a big part of it is the fact that no matter how much I have meditated, no matter how much I have tried to get in the correct frame of mind during rituals, I never experience that closeness to the Goddess that I see other Wiccans and Pagans talking about on their blogs.
I have identified myself as Wiccan for the past 6 years – I started in December of 2003 – but have yet to have any sort of patron deities. I have no deities that I specifically ascribe to, which of course, is not really a problem, I simply called them Goddess & God. But the closeness that I craved is simply not there. No amount of meditation, ritual, etc has brought me any closer.
Another problem I find is that although at first it felt like I was “home” in my Wiccan faith – now it seems more like I am a guest in someone else’s house – a guest that may well have overstayed my welcome.
So I am once again seeking to find the right path for me. I am trying different things – an experiment if you will. Right now I am going back to the Christian church my best friend attends. I am attending Bible study on Wednesday, reading the Bible, and going to Sunday services as well. If after a couple of months it still does not feel right, I will move on. I will endeavor to start anew with Wicca and Paganism – see if one of them fits me. If not, I will look to things such as Buddhism for spiritual fulfillment.
I know the right path is out there, and I know that it is possible that my needs have changed – that Goddess is telling me that this is not the path I need to tread right now. Either way, it is a great possibility that this blog may cease to exist if my path leads me elsewhere.
Please know that no matter what path I find at the end of my experiment to be the one I choose, I will always love and cherish my Wiccan and Pagan friends, and that no matter what, my mind is always open to the fact that my path is not the right path for others.
Continue reading Seeking…
